TO MY MISSING CHILD
A LOVE LETTER TO MY SON - TO THE LITTLE BOY WHO MADE ME A PROUD DAD!
“Sean, I’m writing this letter with a broken heart but not a broken spirit.”
It is so hard to think of how things have turned out for us. I often avoid the thoughts, the ruminations, the what if’s because they all make me feel deficient and powerless as a father but what else was I supposed to do?
Not even my strongest father lion act could have stopped this parental child kidnapping from happening. What a corrupt failure the U.S. Family Court system is.
I know you find it awkward to wait for me so many years, thinking that I have "abandoned" you, but this is not true. I never gave up hope that I will see you again someday. I have fought for you for 7 years, until I realized that I can never win against this kind of lawlessness and family court corruption. Once there was a time when you would not dream of leaving my side, when you chose me, without question, as the person you would always want beside you but that’s gone now. Just like you. Gone.
I still miss you so much every day of my life. I feel the familiar physical ache in my chest and my stomach. A tightening of the chains that once bound our hearts together. Now they bind an empty, gnawing space where you used to be, crushing my heart. The chains tighten more as you slip further and further away from me. All the time, inexorably further and further away, especially as you grow older, something I will not have the chance to be part of now. And I really wanted to be part of that, seeing you growing up and teaching you all I know and more. Is this the price I pay for you and me to have "peace" in our lives?
It isn’t fair. If I let myself think too long and too deeply about your mother ERASING me, I am sure my heart will vanish completely, blown into smithereens by those f*cking chains that get tighter and tighter as though they have a life of their own. No matter how I try, I cannot control this pain. I have, amazingly, learnt to live with it every single day. Now and then, like today, I can’t imagine how I have lived with it. Today, it is like an indigestible chunk of gluey bread that sticks in my throat, refusing to be swallowed down and away and forgotten about.
We both know, although we do not say it, that you also feel deficient and as though I have failed you. You don't have to feel any deep and scorching shame that you were "forced" to live with your mother. You are an innocent victim in this entire story and I feel terribly sorry for what you are going through.
We both know that neither of us know how to cross that chasm of deficiency, of loss, of unfairness, of the harsh reality of the emotional violence and mayhem that she created in our lives. We just can’t talk of it now. We just can’t. It would kill me more than it would you and I am sure you are acutely aware of this.
Our only hope lies in waiting. Waiting for the day when you turn 18 and she has no more power to charge recklessly around our lives wielding his destruction on our father/son bond. Waiting until you are old enough to be able to be free of her manipulations, her constant control and the emotional and psychological violence, her endless bitterness, her passive aggressiveness and her need to seek retribution against a loving father.
There will be a clarifying day for you in the near future that your mother was not really acting under a misguided notion of what was "best for you" as she wrongfully claimed, but instead operating out of a desire to inflict a mortal wound upon your father.
You have kept her happy. You have kept her at bay.
I hope that we can wait this out and I can spend more time with you. I live for that day.
“It’s been so long since we last saw each other. I know you probably don’t remember me but I want you to know that there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you.”
I still live for you, my son. I always will.
Your Loving Father